The city of Hoboken, New Jersey recently denied permits to MTV for the production of a Jersey Shore spin-off series that will star Nicole Polizzi and Jenni Farley, AKA Snooki and JWoww, citing safety concerns for its residents.
Oh, don’t worry, nearby Jersey City jumped on the opportunity to showcase the Garden State’s finest. At least the city has the decency to not to make its own taxpayers foot the bill for security.
As an individual possessing a New Jersey birth certificate, I feel that the only appropriate response to this announcement is to offer up my candidacy to MTV for my very own Jersey Shore spin-off. I lack genuine acting ability, though I’ve been in front of the camera before in my 4th grade’s production of This Is Your Life, Santa Claus. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer was a small part, sure, but I had lines to deliver, and a name, which I felt elevated me above the likes of “Elf 3” and “Kid 2.”
My love of beverages that magically remove inhibitions is well documented, as are the stupid things I have done while operating with my common sense misplaced. I would be more than happy to provide references, photographic evidence, and archived voicemail messages to ex-roommates and ex-boyfriends, should you doubt my ability to look like an idiot in public.
And finally, I admit I don’t have a drop of Italian blood in me, but I am part Irish and who doesn’t love exploiting that stereotype, eh? EH?
I only offer myself, MTV, because I’m concerned for the future of this great franchise, since you insist on beating this horse into the ground. As I've stated above, I would never in a million years consider myself the ideal candidate for any kind of television show since I'm really not really TV star material...if you want TV stars with talent. But its clear that you don't. Since I've unfortunately missed the 16 and Pregnant boat, I'd like to try my hand here. After all, America already knows what JWoww looks like when she gets drunk and falls down. It's time you overpaid someone else to urinate in public.
I seem to remember several instances of being in your presence while ingesting "magical beverages" that would make excellent episodes for just such a show. Now we just need some working titles, yes?