Quick Take: Jersey Shore, "Damage Is Done"
"When people function this early in the morning, this isn't real life to me. This is like a video game." -Snooki
Review: Jersey Shore, "Damage Is Done"
(S0410) God bless the Guadagninos. If it weren't for their hospitality towards Mike, Ronnie, Pauly D, and their actual relative, Vinny, this episode would've been an endlessly grating Snooki-Jionni-Mike debacle. That tired dynamic was still in the mix, but thanks to the boys' pilgrimage to Sicily and the girls' wine tour in Tuscany, we got a brief respite, as well as a few hilarious culture clashes.
The beginning of the episode returns to what is apparently MTV's favorite plotline: the alleged Mike-Snooki hook-up. Moments after Snooki flees Vinny's bed, she wakes up poor JWoww and forces her into a 7 a.m. mimosa binge. I mean "breakfast." But before they hit the town, JWoww tells Snooki about the digusting details Mike shared about their maybe-real-maybe-not sexual encounter. Snooki immediately screams that Mike's a "crazypants" and, when he sleepily stumbles into her room, yells that they're no longer friends. Mike has no doubt been called many things in his lifetime, but he won't take "crazypants" lying down. Incensed, he calls his friend, who was the sole male witness to the night with Snooki in question, to confirm his story. By the way, his friend's name is The Unit. Interpret that as you will.
The Unit doesn't so much validate the story as laugh at Mike's account of it, but the phone call gives Mike an idea. He'll tell the roommates (excepting Snooki and JWoww) that he gave The Unit Jionni's number, so he could tell the guy all about how his girlfriend cheated on him with Mike. Mike considers this both a prank and means of determing who's the rat, rather than an act of sadism by a sad attention whore. He first tells Ronnie, who's pretty indifferent about the whole thing. But Sammi overhears the lie and tells Deena. Mike then repeats the lie to the girls, who are pretty pissed. Sammi tells him that's f***ed up and he should've talked to Snooki first, Deena says she's going to tell Snooki. That logically ends the who's the rat game, right? We can stop this thing before it gets out of hand? Oh, right. This is The Jersey Shore. Logic means nothing here.
When JWoww and Snooki (who's drunk, and thus primed for a screaming match) return, Sammi immediately tells Snooks what Mike said. Snooki goes into spider monkey mode and tries to attack Mike. When this fails, she starts throwing bottles at him. This goes on for a few minutes before Mike reveals that it was a joke and only proves Sammi is a rat. Snooki storms off to the patio, smoking and weeping. Mike claims she's crying because she knows he's right. Jesus is this kid an awful human being.
Thankfully, Vinny has planned a trip to visit his mom's family in Sicily, with the boys, the next day. The girls, in turn, head off to Tuscany for a wine tour. Vinny is adorably excited to meet his Italian relatives, bouncing giddily and grinning as they prepare for departure. It only gets cuter when they actually arrive. Vinny enthusiastically greets each of his 324 cousins, shares family photos (including one from his "awkward phase"), and gives a heartfelt toast after their multi-course meal. Real sentiment apparently does exist on The Jersey Shore.
Another highlight from this excursion? Mike getting his ass whooped in soccer.
Meanwhile, in Tuscany, the girls are busy making their way through several bottles of wine, though they begrudgingly listen to some boring people talk about the stuff they're drinking first. Ugh, knowledge is so stupid. Once the woman serving their wine finishes her spiel, Snooki immediately brings up Jionni. (In case you were wondering, the server didn't leave and has to listen to the entire ensuing conversation.) She wants the girls' advice on what to do. JWoww breaks it down for her: You wanted out, you got out, you hooked up with Vinny, move on. Snooki is upset by this, because Jenni isn't supposed to, you know, tell the truth. The fight continues at the next stop on their tour (after a quick snooze on the wine barrels), prompting Snooks to storm off yet again. Somehow, in spite of all this, the pair easily make up once they return to Florence.
Snooki calls her dad for advice on Jionni. Papa Snooki quickly reveals that the kid has changed his Facebook status to single. Before we move on, two things. One: When did Snooki's dad, who always seemed so irritated with the show and his daughter's antics on it, become such a gossip queen? Two: How do I become his Facebook friend?
Getting back on track, Snooki does not take this news well and calls up Jionni. He yells at her pretty much the second he answers, saying she broke his heart and that of course he's single because she dumped him. She insists she only asked for a break, and then, because it seems the appropriate moment, tells him she hooked up with Vinny. She says they didn't have sex, but Jionni hangs up. Yet when she calls the next day, he agrees to give her another chance. Here's the problem: As all her roommates and millions of Americans know, Snooki did have sex with Vinny. Claiming to have blacked out a little, Snooki asks Vinny what really happened between them. He confirms the smush, which sets the stage for the dramatized final shot: Snooki telling Jionni she slept with Vinny.
Honestly, at this point, I don't think anyone could care less what Jionni's response is. And really, it seems that next week's episode is more about the roommates' problems with Mike than Snooki and Jionni. Mike's sabotage is an issue that's definitely been stewing, and needs to be addressed, but the next episode seems in danger of turning into another screaming match or, worse, a special episode. Then again, if special episode means Mike sobbing in a neck brace again, I'm totally on board.
More thoughts on "Damage Is Done":
I didn't know it was possible for there to be a j-shore behind all of the Snooki-Jionni-Mike-Ronnie madness ;-)
Great review as always kristin !