Quick Take: Jersey Shore, "Fist Pump, Push-Ups, Chapstick"
"You don't have to f--king do an intervention. I'm not addicted to heroin. I'm just addicted to my boyfriend's penis." -Snooki
Review: Jersey Shore, "Fist Pump, Push-Ups, Chapstick"
(S0406) After six episodes, Season Four of Jersey Shore is already in the midst of the show's typical arc. First, we see wacky, "we're back" hijinks that involve many hugs, drunken falls, and gaffes. Then, the drama builds as sexual tension emerges and rivalries form. Eventually that drama explodes into an f-bomb-heavy episode that's utterly mirthless. Finally, we reach denouement as the dust settles and we get a brief respite before the cycle begins anew.
Last week saw a particularly memorable explosion as Ronnie and Mike's growing animosity reached a full-on brawl that sent Mike to the hospital. Of course, the teasers leading up to this moment were a bit misleading -- Mike put himself in that ambulance by stupidly smashing his head against the wall in a monkey-like act of aggression -- but it was still a by-the-book climax. This week's episode started as a similarly by-the-book denouement as Sadsack Sitch and his neck brace got their act together, but unfortunately we were spared no breathing room before the next needlessly dramatic problem started (especially since the few attempts at comedy fell flat). Episodes like this one just make me groan, because they only serve to validate critics' assertions that Jersey Shore is nothing more than a bunch of boring losers screaming at each other. I don't know about the rest of you, but I much prefer my merry band of guidos and guidettes in drunk idiot mode, rather than drunk belligerent and/or weepy mode.
"Fist Pump, Push-Ups, Chapstick" begins with the depressed, sloth-like Mike we saw at the end of Episode Five. He repeatedly informs the audience and his house mates that he's down since he "can't do anything for himself." (For all you readers unfamiliar with the medical reprecussions of minor neck sprains, they completely shut down your torso, legs and arms, too. This is vividly illustrated when Mike struggles to keep up his nicotine habit. Oh, wait.) Pauly D, Vinny, and JWoww won't grant him any sympathy because he's "milking it" while the rest of the house is merely indifferent. Except, strangely, Ronnie. He has a heart-to-heart with Mike, in which he convinces a teary Situation not to leave the house and let alienation get to him. With that, Mike triumphantly removes his neck brace and flashes a grin, confirming that he was, as we all suspected, milking it. Mike, you're not a convincing actor, so please don't get any ideas. Do not, I repeat, do not make a foray into theater. Especially with Chicago. That poor show has suffered enough.
Snooki, who appears to have her typical afternoon buzz going, calls Jionni to tell him that he's the best guy she's ever met, he makes her live, and, oh yeah, she wants to suck his butt. Jionni's typical aversion to phone sexy time comes out once more, and the two have a spat. After she hangs up, Snooki worries she's changing herself for this boy. Ronnie shares this concern and reminds her to stay true to herself. At this rate, the dude is doing more to squash conflicts than Ryan Gosling.
Pauly D then books a hair appointment with Deena, the only girl he'll trust to handle his product-laden locks. As Deena styles his washed hair, Pauly morphs from Partridge Family reject to fauxhawk enthusiast. Pauly thinks his new look is hilarious and takes it as a sign to put on aviators, a headband, and track jacket and go by the new name Joey D, ultimate guido. He proclaims that he's acting like "those guidos on TV that try too hard." And with that line, television sets across America exploded from irony overload.
Joey D enlists Vinny, or Louie, as he comes to be known, to join his ranks. They put on a show for the girls which involves FPC: fist pump, push-ups, chapstick. Really, minus the excessive chapstick applications, there's nothing remotely different from the guys' usual antics. But they apparently think it's their newest comedy bit classic. Deena also comments that she thinks Pauly's new hairstyle is hot, and she'd bang him. Honey, let's be real: you would bang him if his hair looked like Cousin Itt's.
Ronnie and Sammi talk about their relationship. Again. The roommates rightfully complain. Again. The couple reunites. Again.
Mike and Snooki take a crack at resolving their conflict, too. Snooki just wants an apology, which Mike agrees to. Unfortunately, in Mike's world, "apology" means saying he should have told Pauly instead of Ronnie about their supposed hook-up. Snooki storms off, muttering that talking to Mike is like talking to a wall. Clever, Snooki. Clever.
After a night of clubbing, Snooki returns home to call Jionni. An even uglier fight ensues, which Ronnie tries to break up by getting on the phone and assuring Jionni that his girlfriend loves him. This doesn't help matters, and the call ends with Snooki tearfully moping around the house. To an emo, introspective soundtrack, of course.
Both Ronnie and JWoww get increasingly concerned about the Jionni-Snooki debacle. After a private pow-wow, they raise their concerns to Sammi and Deena at a cafe. (Through this group outing, Ronnie becomes an honorary lady who lunches.) They discuss an intervention. When JWoww and Sammi float bits of this conversation by Snooki later, she responds with angry denail, like any prime candidate for an intervention should. That's where the episode leaves us, and considering JWoww's revelation that Jionni, along with Roger, will be visiting in less than a week, shit is surely about to hit the fan yet again.
More thoughts on "Fist Pump, Push-Ups, Chapstick":
Hilarious and on point as always kristin !
hilarious! I know they're laughing all the way to the bank but I wonder if they also realize we're laughing AT them and not with them?!