Jersey Shore, "Twinning": the games begin

Quick Take: Jersey Shore, "Twinning"
"So you're winning, while you're twinning, 'cause you got two twin chicks." - Pauly D

Review: Jersey Shore, “Twinning”
(S0403) Pop culture has given us an impressive array of Don Juans with little to no game over the years. James Bond can seduce the world’s most absurdly named women with terrible puns. The Fonz manages to make sockhoppers swoon with a simple “ayyyye.” But none have boasted such mystifying appeal as Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino. Despite his advanced age (29), creepiness, and amazing lack of romance, Mike always seems to bring home gorgeous 20- to 25-year-old women. Last night, he did one better and pursued a set of blond twins. Clearly, Mike must be dealing with some damaged ladies, but nevertheless I’d like to take this opportunity to remind those girls exactly who they’re dealing with: Even Abercrombie and Fitch wants nothing to do with this guy.

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Sadly, Brittany, Mike’s blow-pop partner from Episode Two, didn’t get this memo. And neither did her twin sister, Erica, who we met for the first time last night. But their mutual desperation didn’t end with Mike. Throughout the course of episode, Erica and Brittany were shopped around to Mike, Vinny, and Deena, which led to a staggering tally of "robbery" accusations. More on that lust amoeba later.

We first find Mike with Twin 1, whose DTF-ness is really cutting into his sleep time. After sending her home with the lovely parting words, “Just go,” he tries to catch some Z’s on the patio couch. Mike soon learns, however, that pigeons are even bigger menaces to sleep than slutty girls. If that Birds remake ever gets made, the producers already have some hysterical footage in the can.

Snooki and Ronnie have unexpectedly become BFFs since arriving in Florence, bonding over their dedication to the gym and inability to read maps. Normally, anything associated with Ronnie or Sammi sucks, but right now, I’d put this pair at a solid third best house friendship, after Pauly and Vinny and JWoww and Snooki. Sammi and Deena are also spending some quality time together, mostly in the form of finding Deena “the #1 Italian husband.” (Which should be no problem, since she has words like “prego” down pat.) It seems they have a worthy contender in a waiter named Ellis, who joins the gang in the club later that night, along with Brittany and her sister. Deena wastes no time treating him to the Jersey Turnpike. But when she brings Ellis home to cuddle, Vinny and Pauly heckle her mercilessly for hogging their room, almost prompting Ellis to leave. He instead waits to do his walk of shame at a more appropriate early morning hour.

The next morning, the house receives several calls from Brittany, who missed Mike’s booty call. Mike is asleep, but this girl is persistent. After the third or fourth call, Ronnie pretends to be Mike on the phone and tells Brittany to come over with her sister in an hour. He gleefully neglects to tell Mike this, and the Sitch is mighty startled when the girls appear in his doorway as he begins his morning primping. And so the twins earn the esteemed “stalker” label. Still, Mike takes them to breakfast and, when they appear in the club later that night, gets Snooki to wing-woman him. All roads seem to point to threesome, until Deena starts making out with Twin 2. Now, she would never date a girl because she “really, really love[s] penis,” but Deena is not against kissing one, much to Mike’s chagrin. She takes Erica home. However, when Deena leaves her alone for too long, she gets bored and hops into Vinny’s bed. Deena comes back for her, which pisses Vinny off, but later decides she can’t go through with the hook-up and sends her back to Vin.

Meanwhile, shit hits the fan when Ronnie tells Sammi and JWoww about Mike’s hook-up with Snooki. JWoww yanks Snooki away from a conversation with Mike to tell her what’s going around. Snooki angrily insists that she would never cheat on Jionni. “Handle that. That’s your boy,” JWoww tells Snooki, who marches into battle. A screaming match ensues between Mike and Snooki. Both parties claim to be in the right, and it’s honestly hard to single out the liar. On the one hand, Mike is sleazy as hell and making up a story like this is not outside his usual egomania. On the other, Snooki isn’t exactly Miss Morality and has admitted to hooking up with Mike once before. The conflict remains unresolved, but Ronnie advises Snooki to tell Jionni about the situation. The Sitch himself goes to bed with Twin 1. End scene.

Oh right, and Ronnie and Sammi got back together. Their reconciliation was almost sweet. If only we didn’t know about the inevitable fights and broken furniture in store

Not to get all “special episode” on you all, but before I sign off, I want to call attention to the troubling double-standards Deena faced this episode. The boys on this show have never been forward thinkers, but Deena’s attempts to play the field really exposed their hypocrisy in an embarrassing new light. Not only was Mike extra appalled when Deena began making out with one of his twins, Pauly and Vinny were just plain rude in their teasing. Deena was right when she said that she would never say anything if they slept with a girl in that room, yet the boys wouldn’t pay her the same courtesy. As much as the guys constantly say, with pride, that Deena is one of the guys, they really don’t like it when she acts like a guy on the dating scene. Sure, they appreciate her wing-man abilities, invite her to guy-only grocery trips, and welcome her to bunk in their room, but if she’s shacking up with a guy (or worse, a girl) in that room, they get pissy. I know this is asking a lot from the Jersey Shore boys, who hold Vinny’s mother as the shining example of womanhood, but guys, it’s time to join the post-feminist era. Or, to put this in your own parlance: grow the f*** up.

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